What Hurts the Most
by JnnLuvsU
Summary: Daniel thinks about Vala. Songfic. Oneshot. After Beachhead.


Author's Notes: This is a songfic to Rascal Flatts' new single "What Hurts the Most". It's an awesome song. Listen if you get the chance.

What Hurts the Most  
By: JnnLuvsU

Daniel Jackson laid in his empty house, staring at the ceiling, listening to the rain pounding on the roof. If he tried hard enough, he could almost imagine that she was lying next to him. Almost. He could have kicked himself for the way he treated her.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
__That don't bother me_

He hadn't slept, really slept, in months. Sam and Teal'c were getting worried about him, he knew that, but he also knew that he deserved the way he was feeling. He could still see her in his mind's eye. The way her eyes lit up when she saw him. The way her hair fell over her eyes. And that stupid scarf, the one she'd made him buy for her. That was the one piece of clothing that he just couldn't get out of him mind and it was driving him crazy. Of all the things she had worn, why did that one stick in his mind so much? He sat up and put his head in his hands, brushing unshed tears out of his eyes. He wasn't going to let himself cry.

_I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out,  
__I'm not afraid to cry  
__Every now and then,  
__Even though going on with you gone still upsets me_

Sighing, he gave up on sleep and got out of bed. If he wasn't careful, Landry was going to ground him to the base. As it was he was becoming _this_ close to addiction to coffee. If he didn't know that it would get back to Landry, he would have asked Dr. Lam for some sleeping pills. He couldn't let everyone know how much her being gone was affecting him. After all, he was the one who couldn't wait to see her gone.

_There are days every now and again that I pretend I'm ok,  
__But that's not what gets me_

He sat on the couch and turned on the TV. He flipped the channels knowing that he wasn't going to actually watch whatever was on. The truth was he had done this too many nights. This was just his excuse to sit up and think about her. "Stupid, stupid," he muttered to himself, throwing the remote across the room. The resultant crash telling him he had broken something on his bookshelf didn't even faze him. It wasn't the first time. He put his head in his hands. How could he had been so stupid to not see what was right in front of him? Yes, Daniel had finally admitted it to himself. On a cold night, much like the present one, Daniel Jackson had finally realized that he was in love with Vala Malduran, thief and vixen.

_What hurts the most  
__Is being so close  
__And having so much to say,  
__And watching you walk away,_

He refused to believe she was dead, no more than he refused to believe she could ever see him the same way he saw her. He had blown that completely he knew. That bothered him way more than he cared to admit. He had thrown everything he had into pushing her away and now knew that it was the stupidest thing he had ever done. He would put everything into finding her, and that worried him. What if he didn't find her?

_And never knowing what could have been,  
__And not seeing that loving you,  
__Is what I was trying to do_

He dreaded going into Stargate Command tomorrow morning. He knew what would happen. It had happened everyday. Sam, Cameron, Teal'c, they simply acted like nothing had happened. While, on some level, that bothered Daniel, it was nothing compared to the way everyone else on the base treated him. It was the looks that bothered him the most. Pity shown on most of their faces. That he didn't understand. He prided himself on the fact that he could hide his emotions well. How could they tell? He needed someone to talk to, but didn't know how to ask, and no one ever brought it up.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you  
__Everywhere I go,  
__But I'm doin' it_

Everytime he saw a prior, he wanted to strangle them. He knew their orders were not to antagonize the Ori, but he wanted to demand her location. He wanted to march into enemy territory and hunt for her, and that was strictly forbidden.

Jack had come into town last weekend. Ordinarily, Daniel would have been happy to see his best friend, but this was different. Daniel was happy that his friends had finally found the happiness they had been denying themselves for years, but it cut into his gut. She was gone. He had never known how lonely he was. And he missed her fiercely.

He had to force himself out of bed every morning. He knew the thought of finding her was the only thing that got him into work each day and that scared him. When had she become so important to him? And how could he have missed it?

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
__Still harder  
__Getting up getting dressed living with this regret_

He wanted that month back. He wanted to fix it. He wanted to get rid of the regret that ate him alive. Regret was a bitter travel companion and he knew it would begin to affect his judgment if he wasn't careful. Didn't everyone get a second chance? Well he wanted his. He wanted the chance to take back all the things he said and replace them with things he meant. He wanted the chance to tell her he loved her, even if all she did was laugh at him. Then maybe he wouldn't feel so guilty.

He wanted to hold her. It had been to long since he had felt this way about a woman. He had been scared, he knew that now. He wanted to go back and change that. To be unafraid. To take the risk with her. What he really wanted was another chance to take that risk. He feared he was too late. What if he was too late? What if she really was dead?

_But I know if I could do it all over  
__I would trade, give away all the words that I saved  
__In my heart that I left unspoken_

Maybe if he had done something differently, things would have turned out differently. Maybe she would have stayed. Maybe they would have been happy. He stood up. He couldn't keep doing this to himself. He could contemplate what if's till he was blue in the face, it wasn't going to change a thing. She was still gone, it was still his fault. Nothing was going to change that. He wanted things to be different? Good for him, but he was the one that had screwed up, and no matter how much he wished he hadn't, it wasn't going to change things.

_What hurts the most  
__Is being so close  
__And having so much to say  
__And watching you walk away_

Daniel made his way quietly back to his bedroom. He had to get some sleep. He tossed and turned and tried to make himself comfortable. He imagined her lying next to him. If he tried hard enough, he could see her. Too bad she wasn't real, "I'm sorry, Vala," he whispered and closed his eyes.

_And never knowing what could've been  
__And not seeing that loving you  
__Is what I was trying to do_

_And not seeing that loving you  
__Is what I was trying to do_


End file.
